How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
