You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
