Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
