$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
