when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
