we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
