I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
