I need to stop coming to work sober
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
