I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
