made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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