Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
