Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
