You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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