I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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