Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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