We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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