The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
