I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
