Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
