I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
zippers are such a cool invention
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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