I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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