Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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