I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Boobs are out for the taking
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
