you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
