my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
