I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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