mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize