discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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