And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
