I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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