you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
