Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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