Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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