You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
