My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
