Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
