I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
