do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So squirting runs in the family.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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