drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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