Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
