I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
