My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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