My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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