I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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