After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
