Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
