I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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