new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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