It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
