Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
