Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
