Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
