420 ftw
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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