i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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