I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
