You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
