The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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