I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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