We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
