you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
It was confusing and full of hummus
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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