ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
