This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
