thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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