Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
