To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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