I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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