I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
