Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
