Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
