Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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